How to Cope with the Upcoming Holidays with Your Family

Right about now, you may be asking yourself, “Is it really the most wonderful time of the year? Really?” For some, the sparkling lights, bright spirits, and warmth of the holiday season help them get through the dark days surrounding the solstice and the seasonal affective disorder that comes with it. Setting aside the perfectionistic need to be the consummate host or ideal guest, folks can feel stressed about the financial aspects of travel, gift-giving, and entertainment. For others, the holidays might feel lonely or bring up a variety of conflicting emotions. While the idea of spending time with family “should” be comforting, “should” is a cognitive distortion that fuels anxiety by setting an unrealistic ideal that does not and likely cannot exist. The reality is that family gatherings can sometimes be challenging, stirring up unresolved issues or uncomfortable dynamics. Whether you’re setting up boundaries and creating new traditions for yourself or heading to a family event, the holidays certainly gift us with plenty of opportunities to learn about navigating tricky situations. With a growth mindset and coping skills, you can approach the holidays and time with family in a way that supports your mental and emotional well-being.

Here are some effective ways to navigate the season’s family interactions and practice self-care:

1. Normalize Your Experience

First, know that you are not alone. In an American Psychological Association Poll, 90% of respondents said that financial concerns, missing loved ones, or anticipating family conflict interfered with their enjoyment of the holiday season (Source: https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2023/11/holiday-season-stress). Sharing your feelings with safe friends and family, who will offer empathy and share their own challenges, can reduce shame and isolation.

2. Practice Radical Acceptance

While it is human to hope for a joyful, harmonious holiday, expecting everything to go perfectly can set us up for disappointment and stress. Instead of finding things to be grateful for, we are striving for perfection in our behaviors and trying to fix and “should” everyone else into the picture we have in our mind. Earlier, I mentioned that our “shoulds” set an unrealistic, unachievable version of ourselves, our loved ones, and sometimes even the macro world. This makes us hard on ourselves and hard on other people.

Practicing radical acceptance means accepting that painful relationships, events, and interactions are an unavoidable part of life, but resisting this pain by “should” creates suffering, which is avoidable. An example of this might be, “Why should I be the only one in my family to try to be better? They are the ones who should be in therapy!” You and your loved ones are who they are because of everything that occurred in their lives up to this moment. We all have complex life experiences that create emotional responses or behavior patterns, requiring great introspection before even starting the non-linear path toward healing. It’s unlikely that all your loved ones have the capacity or resources to do this work. If you sit with the question, you can likely answer why you were able to do this work and what limits their ability to do the same. Radical acceptance does not mean that change or improvement will never happen. It just means that you cannot force it to happen at this moment. Finding empathy and radical acceptance can help reduce your anger enough for you to make clear-headed choices this holiday season.

3. Set Boundaries Before the Gathering

Setting boundaries can help make family time more enjoyable and less draining. Plan for the best-case, worst-case, and most likely scenarios.

If you are traveling home, what’s a realistic time for a visit? What travel arrangements will leave you feeling the most rested and allow for self-care? What is the least stressful way to get where you are going? If you have the financial means, do you need your car or a rental to periodically getaway when you are there? Do you need a hotel room? If not, where can you retreat to within your family home if you need space? What other friends can you plan to visit while you are there?

If you are hosting, how many people are you comfortable hosting? Would it be easier to have a potluck? Who are your helpers? How will you let people know when it’s time to get home? If you have overnight guests, consider what boundaries you want to set to take care of yourself during their stay. Will you cook them breakfast or welcome them to raid the fridge and use the kitchen? Will you show them around town the day after, or will you say, “You are welcome to explore the next day, but I plan to stay home and relax?”

When finances are an issue, express that you’d like to set a budget for gift-giving or only give handmade or creative gifts (e.g., a playlist). If you experience a lot of resistance,

Setting a gentle boundary can help prevent hot topics from disrupting the holiday spirit. You know yourself and your loved ones, so you know where your triggers are. You can choose not to engage in charged topics that you know will hit those pain points. Be direct with a well-practiced phrase like, “We have been down this road before, and I am choosing not to go down this road again. If you wish to discuss this topic, I will step away.” Alternatively, when a heated conversation begins, have a few prepared reasons that you must step away. It can be as simple as, “Excuse me, I have to use the bathroom” or “Excuse me, I have to take this call from …”

4. Prioritize Self-Care

It’s easy to overlook self-care during the holidays, but it’s essential for keeping your stress levels in check. The building blocks of emotional regulation (aka keeping your cool) are getting enough sleep, eating healthily, taking medication as prescribed, and engaging in a daily minimum of 20 minutes of physical activity intense enough to get your heart pumping. Moderating our use of substances, or avoiding them altogether, is also a key component of self-care and emotional regulation. While we tend to think of a bit of alcohol or marijuana as ways to take the edge off our emotions, alcohol is a depressant, and marijuana can sometimes make you more anxious. Also, substances tend to make us less inhibited and less mindful. Remember the healthy drinking standard of no more than two 12 oz beers, a 4 oz glass of wine, or a 1.5 oz shot of hard liquor in your cocktail daily and no more than ten servings weekly. Mindful enjoyment allows you to stay connected and keep interactions positive, even when family dynamics are complex.

Please take a few minutes each day to do something that helps you recharge, whether going for a walk, meditating, practicing mindfulness, or simply taking some quiet time. Make a list, in advance, of things that you can do to decompress. Even taking a deep breath can help you regain focus and stay grounded if things become overwhelming. Finally, if you are seeing a therapist, keep seeing them regularly! Following these recommendations can significantly reduce stress and improve emotional well-being. By prioritizing your needs, your mind and body are better prepared to navigate even the most difficult situations. . .

5. Shift Focus to Positive Interactions

Family gatherings can be an opportunity to reconnect and create new memories, even if past gatherings have been challenging. Focus on common ground with family members and engage in positive conversations. Reflecting on shared memories, expressing gratitude, or participating in activities everyone enjoys can foster a more uplifting atmosphere. Think about what types of activities or topics of conversation have been a point of connection in the past. Playing board games, sports, crafting, ice skating, or hiking may help create a lighter, more enjoyable atmosphere. Perhaps suggest that everyone watch a family favorite movie? Or that you all read a book in advance so you can discuss it when you are together?

Try to notice and express gratitude when you catch your family (or friends) doing something well—especially the small stuff. “Thank you for helping me with the dishes.” “I love watching you have fun playing with my daughter.” “I so appreciate you asking me about….” Studies by the Gottman Institute suggest positive interactions build trust and reduce conflict, even in challenging relationships. By focusing on enjoyable moments, you create a buffer that can help ease any tension that may arise.

6. Practice Self-Compassion

Practicing self-compassion allows you to approach the holiday with kindness toward yourself, whether things go smoothly or not. If you’re feeling drained, remember that it’s okay to take a step back and prioritize your well-being. An excellent way to practice compassion towards yourself and others is to practice a loving-kindness meditation, which I will outline at the bottom of the blog.

Final Thoughts

Remember that no gathering needs to be flawless to be fulfilling, and no family (or friend circle) is perfect. Use the holiday season to practice setting boundaries more skillfully, engage in self-care, radically accept your imperfect self and family, find a connection in traditions, and create joyful memories or, at the very least, funny stories.

By setting boundaries, practicing self-care, and focusing on positive connections, you can create a holiday experience that feels both manageable and enjoyable. Allow yourself the flexibility to embrace any ups and downs, knowing that prioritizing your well-being will help create a more peaceful atmosphere for everyone. In the end, the value of the season lies in the memories made, not in perfection.

Loving Kindness Meditation

Close your eyes and imagine someone you love.

What do they look like? What’s their expression?

How does their voice sound?

What do they smell like?

What does it feel like to be in their presence?

Feel the love that you feel for this person, creating a warm glow in your core

Feel the warm glow radiating from your heart center toward this person

Say this to them 3 times:

May you have joy
May you have laughter
May you have love
May you have balance
May you have peace
May you have good health
May you have fulfillment

Say goodbye to your loved one and imagine them walking away.

Then imagine someone you dislike in front of you.