Trauma bonds can feel like a trap—a deep, emotional connection to someone that is built on a pattern of attachment based on intense emotional experiences. While the bond might feel powerful or even like the most incredible love you have ever known, you also know that it’s unhealthy, leaving you feeling stuck and unable to move forward. Breaking a trauma bond can be challenging, but with the right tools and support, healing is possible.
What Is a Trauma Bond?
A trauma bond is an intense emotional connection that develops as a result of attachment styles or patterns of behavior two individuals learned in their family of origin, forming a combustible connection. According to Psychology Today, trauma bonds often occur in relationships where there’s a pattern of control, dependence, or unresolved trauma. Any dynamic or connection between two or more people can involve a trauma bond.
Before we go further, I’d like to explain another concept. In most relationships, at times or regarding specific subjects, there can be a vulnerability cycle or a pursuer-distancer relationship cycle (as illustrated below). The images aren’t meant to indicate that men are distancers and women are pursuers, nor is this limited to heterosexual or romantic relationships. You might find similar patterns in your romantic relationships, with a friend or a group of friends, and/or within your nuclear family or family of origin. Even workplace relationships or dynamics can involve pursuer-distancer cycles. Also, each partner can be a pursuer in one argument and a distancer in the next.
In a relationship where there is a trauma bond, the vulnerability cycles are more frequent. These cycles can escalate and intensify to become cycles of abuse. To recognize the threshold of abuse, I have included the Power and Control Wheel and the Cycle of Abuse images below.
Recognizing a trauma bond is the first step toward breaking free. Some signs include:
- Feeling unable to leave despite being unhappy or unsafe
- Rationalizing or minimizing the hurtful behavior or abuse
- Experiencing guilt, shame, or panic when considering ending the relationship
- Feeling dependent on the person for emotional, financial, or any other type of support
Why Are Trauma Bonds So Hard to Break?
Trauma bonds are difficult to break because they create a cycle of dependency. The brain becomes wired to crave the fleeting moments of affection or validation, making it hard to detach even when the relationship is harmful.
Biologically, the stress and relief pattern in trauma bonds can trigger the release of chemicals like oxytocin (“cuddle chemical”), cortisol (stress), vasopressin (pair bonding, protection, territorial reaction), and dopamine (reward/pleasure/high feeling), reinforcing the bond. This cycle can feel addictive, leaving you trapped. Additionally, societal pressures, the social implications, or your own values might be in conflict. It might feel easier to stay in this relationship than to experience the shame or judgment you might imagine others will have about you being divorced, single again, or even letting others know about the state of your relationship. If you keep things to yourself, you can feel isolated and even more entrenched in the intimacy of this secret with your partner. Furthermore, you might feel guilt for hurting your partner by leaving, and you may even feel empathy for their family history, making breaking free even more challenging.
Steps to Break a Trauma Bond
Healing from a trauma bond requires courage and commitment. Here are some steps to help you start the process:
1. Acknowledge the Bond
The first step is recognizing that you are in a trauma bond. Reflect on the relationship and identify if there are patterns of manipulation, control, or abuse. Journaling or speaking with a therapist can help you gain clarity.
Start by asking yourself questions like:
- Does loving my partner enhance my life?
- How do I feel about myself in this relationship?
- Do I feel valued and respected in this relationship?
- Am I constantly justifying the other person’s behavior?
- Do I feel trapped or unable to leave despite the pain?
- If so, what is making me feel trapped?
Acknowledging these patterns is empowering and sets the stage for change.
2. Understand the Cycle of Abuse
Trauma bonds often thrive in relationships with a cycle of abuse. Understanding this cycle—tension building, incident/acute explosion, honeymoon—can help you recognize that the temporary highs are not worth the pain. Further educating yourself about these dynamics can reinforce your resolve to break free. In a romantic relationship, if there is no clear cycle of abuse, if it feels safe, if it feels like your partner is capable of accountability and is willing to work towards change, then perhaps it is worth discussing this pattern with them and exploring the idea of couples therapy. Family therapy might also be an option if it is a family member.
3. Set Boundaries
Whether you are working on healing the relationship or taking steps towards ending it, boundaries are essential in breaking a trauma bond. To stay in the relationship, it will be necessary for both parties to seek professional help individually and/or together on how to have practical, healthy communication around boundaries, asking for what you need, and self-soothe to interrupt the vulnerability cycle. Please note that couples therapy is not advisable in situations where a cycle of physical or sexual abuse is involved. If cutting contact is desired but impossible, such as in co-parenting or co-worker situations, establish strict boundaries for communication and interaction through a third party if necessary.
If you are seeking to end the relationship, start by:
- Reducing or eliminating contact with the person
- Blocking their number or social media profiles if needed
- Avoiding situations where you might encounter them
4. Seek Professional Support
As mentioned before, a therapist trained in trauma and attachment issues can guide you through the healing process. Therapy provides a safe space to explore your feelings, help you understand the dynamics of the bond, develop strategies to cope with withdrawal symptoms, process the traumatic events, and guide you in rebuilding self-esteem and independence. Techniques such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Internal Family Systems (IFS), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Narrative Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can be beneficial.
At Roots and Branches Therapy, our therapists specialize in helping individuals break free from trauma bonds and rebuild healthier connections. Group therapy or support groups can also provide community and validation.
5. Focus on Self-Care
Prioritize activities that nurture your mental and physical well-being. This might include:
- Practicing mindfulness or meditation
- Engaging in hobbies that bring you joy and a sense of accomplishment
- Building a routine that promotes stability and healing
- Exercising to release endorphins and reduce stress
Self-care isn’t just about relaxation; it’s about reclaiming your sense of self, increasing your confidence, and building a life worth living. Self-care reinforces that you are worthy of love and caretaking, and your well-being comes first.
6. Surround Yourself with Supportive People
Isolation can deepen the grip of a trauma bond. Reach out to trusted friends, family, or support groups. Sharing your experiences with others who offer empathy can reduce feelings of shame and help you feel less alone. Online forums, local meetups, or organizations like the National Domestic Violence Hotline provide additional resources and support.
7. Challenge Negative Beliefs
Trauma bonds often create limiting beliefs, such as “I’ll never find anyone else” or “I deserve this treatment.” Work on reframing these thoughts by reminding yourself of your worth and capabilities.
Affirmations can help, such as:
- “I am deserving of love and respect.”
- “I have the strength to create a better life for myself.”
- “I can thrive on my own, and I deserve healthy connection.”
8. Create a Vision for Your Future
Visualizing a life free from trauma bonds can be a powerful motivator. Imagine a new path of your choosing. There will, of course, be obstacles and missteps, as you overcome the challenges, you will learn and grow. Over time, you will find a sense of autonomy and accomplishment, healthier relationships, and renewed confidence. Most importantly, you will realize your own worth. Journaling or creating a vision board can help focus on your goals and dreams and, on rough days, remind you what you’re working toward.
9. Prepare for Withdrawal Symptoms
Breaking a trauma bond can feel like breaking an addiction. You might experience emotional withdrawal symptoms, such as:
- Cravings to reconnect
- Feelings of emptiness or loneliness
- Self-doubt or second-guessing your decision
Be patient with yourself during this time. Recognize these feelings as part of the healing process and remind yourself why you chose to break free.
Why Breaking a Trauma Bond Is Worth It
Although breaking a trauma bond is challenging, the rewards are profound. Freeing yourself opens the door to healthier relationships, self-discovery, and emotional growth. You’re not just breaking free for yourself—you’re also setting an example for others and breaking cycles that might otherwise continue. Remember, healing takes time, and progress is rarely linear. Celebrate each step forward, no matter how small, and trust that you can reclaim your life.
